Date:    Mon, 1 Jan 1996 14:57:11 EST
From:    Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Political lexicon <American>

Cynical defintions of words and expressions:

CRISIS:   Any situation you want to change.
TERRORISM:  Strategic action by losers to spoil winner's victory party.
REVOLUTION:  Strategic action by the under classes to have a party paid for
  by the under classes.
NON_JUDGMENTAL:   Blaming society.
COMPASSION: The use of tax money to buy votes.
INSENSITIVITY: Objections to the use of tax money to buy votes.
GOVERNMENT: Having rich people give money and jobs to Democrats.
MILITARY: Having middle class people give money and jobs to Republicans.
POLICE: Having poor people pay to have someone "beat the shit out them."
SIMPLISTIC: An argument you disagree with but can't answer.
REHABILITATION: Magic word said before releasing criminals.
DEMONSTRATION:  A riot by people you agree with.
MOB VIOLENCE: A riot by people you disagree with.
A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE:  A political controversy involving the convictions of
  liberals.
AN EMOTIONAL ISSUE: A political controversy involving the convictions of
  conservatives.
FUNDING: Money from the government.
COMMITMENT: More money from the government.
FEDERAL BUDGET: A work of fiction about government spending.
DEFICIT: If your party is out-of-power it is the nation's biggest problem
  and if you are in-power, it is a necessary economic stimulus.
POLICY RESEARCH: Looking for statistics to support the position you have
  already taken.
A PROUD PEOPLE: Chauvinists you like.
BIGOTS: Chauvinists you don't like.
PUBLIC INTEREST GROUP: Politically organized liberals.
SPECIAL INTEREST LOBBY: Politically organized conservatives
LABOR OVERN: An attempt by the Mafia to get into legitimate businesses.
TEAMSTERS: An attempt by Republicans to get into illegitimate businesses.
CAMPAIGN REFORM: An attempt by politicans to make it impossible for their
  opponents to fund a campaign.
WHITE MALES: The most oppressed social group in America.
BLACK MALES: The greatest threat to white males.
GRIDLOCK: Republican philosophy of governing.
GOOD GOVERNMENT: An oxymoron with the benefit of alliteration.
BAD GOVERNMENT: The result of letting Democrats win elections.
CONTRACT WITH AMERICA: Republican plan to prove that government doesn't work.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN: Clinton rhetoric which numbs the dumb.
JOURNALISM: The art of simplifying the complex and exaggerating the trivial.
EDUCATION: Proof positive that government can do some things more econo-
  mically than private enterprise.
STRAW POLL: GOP fund-raising technique.
CAUCUS ELECTION: Where machines bring voters to vote for losers.
PRIMARY ELECTION: Where voters use machine to vote for a winner who will
  probably lose.
OPINION POLL: A sociologist's idea of an election.
UNOPPOSED CANDIDATE: An officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign
  reform.
CONVENTION: Four day circuses where Republicans shout through their snouts
  and Democrats show their asses.
ENVIRONMENT: The place Republicans muck up as they create more jobs and
  Democrats create more jobs by cleaning up the mess.